Hilarious options to deal with our crows


Sir: In the Dec. 8 edition of The Chatham Voice, one writer suggested finding a location with trees, a pond and setting up feeding stations to lure crows away from Chatham.

C-K has the second lowest tree cover in Ontario, ponds freeze over before the Thames River, and just who is going to pay for the daily truckloads of corn to fill the feeding bins?

I guess our taxes can support a convention centre, theatre AND a crow hostel.

Maybe the crow lovers should consider requesting a grant from the government to study harvesting pests. With the grant money they could buy some industrial-sized drones and fishnets. Attach the corners of the fish nets to drones and fly them through the sky at dusk and harvest the crows as they return to roost, much the same way trawlers harvest fish in the oceans.

Then the crow advocates could humanely untangle the crows from the nets and gently place them in sacks.

Now what to do with these bags of crows so they are neither harmed or ever return to Chatham. I would suggest stenciling “Tax Dollars” on the bags and sending them off to Queen’s Park and Parliament Hill. Both places have a long history of being both gullible and highly efficient at making bags of tax dollars disappear.

Or the city could simply invest in a drone or two with three possible uses. Modify a drone to look like an owl or hawk in flight, attach a speaker and have it broadcast the cries of a bird of prey searching for a meal. Or attach a high-powered laser under a drone and every night continuously fly it over the roosting locations while the laser swivels back and forth painting the crow-infested trees with its bright light. Let’s see how long those intelligent birds hang around when their sleep is disrupted dozens of times every night. Or lastly, give the crows a taste of their own medicine by having a drone drop human waste on their heads as they roost.

In the same issue of The Voice, another reader dismissed the idea of the crows ever being a tourist attraction. I agree, but with one possible exception. What if we were to erect statutes of unpopular politicians along the banks of the Thames, including at least two from south of the border, and let the crows demonstrate just how much contempt we, the taxpayers, have for them. Even I would take my chances to see the statutes of a certain premier and senator after a public crow mocking.

These solutions may not work, but neither will continually putting it off until next year.

Let’s hope in 2017 council does more than simply send the mayor off to Hamburg in search of the Pied Piper.

In conclusion, Merry Christmas to all, and to all, a crow free night.

Dennis Skipper





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